I’m alone. Slow and steady, from my stomach, through my heart, through my throat and out of my eyes. Waves begging for something I don’t know how to give. Why are you back? Why are you bothering me again? I’ve eaten, I’ve slept, I’ve walked, I’ve talked, I’ve worked, I’ve cleaned, I’ve thought so deeply in an effort to appease you. But here you are, taking over my soul with your cold, clammy hands and putting me in a corner in the dark. It hurts but only inside, in a way I can’t describe if you gave me a dictionary and a thousand years to write. My soul is upset, I’ve run amok with a life I shouldn’t have had, destroyed all obstacles in my path, and now I weep for what? Myself? What right do I have to be sad… I’m here, doing the best I can with my bare hands, begging for who to forgive me? I’ve forgotten their names, but would they smile knowing I still punish myself day after day for not being who I told them I was…
I’m alone, and I don’t know if that will ever change. Is that strange? No, we’re all alone. The human experience is that of loneliness and finding validation for invisible needs. Trust me… It’s not much but when handled with finesse at least you’ll feel loved. That warm embrace of someone who cares, who knows your heart, or at least what you’ve shared. Who can see through your eyes, straight into your soul. Who, when you’re standing together, makes you feel whole. Yes, when handled with care, love finds its way there. It makes all of this emptiness feel like it’s full of something… Something unmeasurable.
But I’m alone. That embrace is not one I can find so easily without whoring myself out to random men on the street. I wish someone could read me like a book, knowing every meaning in every look, who loved that I acted a little bit strange, and begged me and urged me never to change. Who’s chest feels so safe, no matter how bad my day.
But I’m alone… wandering within my thoughts, and trying to make benign tasks important to friends as I jabber on about random things I can pretend I’m proud of – seeking some synthetic validation for needs I don’t really care about so others can pat me on the back and feel like they’ve supported me. But that connection is lacking, and I can’t be upset because it’s me who’s slacking on pushing through this fog to build a better foundation to rely on for emotional and physical validation.
But… but I’m alone. The loneliness grips, and grabs – pokes and jabs at all that I do so it’s just a little too hollow to handle the pressure of my heart while it wallows. I can’t make this more than I want it to be, but while I’m alone, I can’t build what I need. I can’t ask for that love while I talk through my teeth and smile at any who look towards me, so they won’t know how I feel while I’m struggling to breathe….
Because I’m alone, and alone is the one thing I don’t know how to be.
CaliStray 