I let you be real, today.

By that, I mean I talked about the real us. Prompted by a vivid, painful dream, I released everything I could about all the reasons we fell in love, and how it happened. I talked about the support, and the connection. I talked about the strength, and how you pushed me to work on my career and my future. I talked about how organic our fall seemed. I talked about why I looked the other way at every opportunity to keep things moving forward, and how hard it was when I realized that Karma had been secretly planning my downfall for years. I talked about how broken I became when I realized I’d been got by the very thing I thought I was immune to – lies. To this day, I still have no idea how I’d let myself become so blind to the idea that you could ever lie to me. I think, out of everything that haunts me, that’s the thing that will stay with me forever.

I don’t think I’ve ever talked to anyone about the love, prior to this. It’s hard to let that piece be known, knowing how it ended. It’s hard to be that vulnerable. I’ve gone from begging for any opportunity to share it with the world, to squireling it away inside the darkest recess of my mind- praying it suffocates. But it’s still there, scratching at the kennel door and whimpering for attention. Sometimes, it finds me in my dreams. Other times, in a phrase I repeat, or a picture I see. It calls to me every time I consider rejoining my hobbies, or when I listen to a particularly poignant piece of music. Some of my best experiences were with you, so even my favorite video games are tainted with memories that bring the feelings flooding back.

Luckily, I wasn’t turned away during this conversation. I wasn’t looked at with disgust, or told I was crazy and pathetic. I wasn’t dismissed or informed how horrible of a person I am for even falling in the first place. I was only reminded, yet again, that I had no real idea what was happening between the two of us. While the love may have been real, possibly even on all sides, it didn’t protect me from anything. It didn’t fuel me in the ways I’d needed, it didn’t shield me, and overall, it caused me a great deal of pain. It was never really a home or a safe haven, only an ongoing promise that a home could exist for me, if I just waited long enough for you to become ready.

The thing that really broke me, though, was when he’d asked if I’d go back should our circumstances change. He told me it sounded like I would, and he was worried. I didn’t know how to answer because, unbeknownst to him, every time you come into my thoughts, I feel this need to bargain with myself. “What would I give for just one message? Just one hug? Just one kiss? Would I give more pieces of my heart, knowing I’ll never get those pieces back? More time, knowing I can’t go back? More of my soul and the peace I have knowing I’m not destroying lives? Would I give my life?” Some days, I scream yes to it all through the tears streaming down my cheeks, soaking my bedding while my cats stare at me in horror. Most days, I talk myself out of it. “Don’t give up your security for a moment of serenity” I tell myself. I do this knowing the situations haven’t changed… so, should they change, what would that bargaining look like? Would I survive it?

I’d like to hope so, but it’s hard. I told him I was sure I wouldn’t, but I still don’t know. The naive side of me wonders if we could get through the pile of tar that’s built up in the corner of our world through video games, D&D, MTG, and general closeness… or if that tar would infect everything we did and act as a toxin that would eventually strangle us both before we knew what to do about it.

I doubt I’ll ever have a chance to truly consider that option, and for that I’m grateful. I don’t know if my heart could take formally walking away from the very thing I’d dreamed of for years.