I brought you a box,
and small comforts for shaking hands-
nicotine for your nerves,
caffeine for the night I knew would follow,
sugar for the parts of us that once felt sweet.
I did not knock.
I did not ask for your time.
I left everything right where I promised,
along with my hopes for reconciliation,
without asking who still loves who.
You said therapy twice a week.
You said future.
You said you were trying to open yourself up
instead of closing me out…
And I believed you.
God, I believed you.
So when you said
if I step closer
you would call the police,
something inside me went very quiet.
Shame came first,
as if I had misread the whole story,
as if I was foolish
for thinking I could leave something gently
and maybe receive a hug in return.
Then fear,
not of sirens,
but of how quickly my love can become threat
in someone else’s mouth.
Disbelief sat heavy in my chest.
Just days ago you were flirting with me,
building soft bridges with careful words,
telling me you were healing
for a real future.
Before I was something to be warned about.
And then the block,
a digital door slammed so cleanly
I could not even knock if I tried.
I spiraled rapidly after that,
thumb hovering over a message
with nowhere to land it,
wanting to reach out so badly
I could feel it in my teeth,
but there was no way in.
I do not know who you are
when fear takes you.
I do not know who I was,
standing in an entryway-
wondering how love turned into a warning.
The saddest part is this.
I did not come to fight.
I did not come to force.
I came to return what was yours
so I could stop holding it
and maybe stop holding you so tightly in my mind.
Instead,
we broke again.
Not loudly.
Not with flames.
Just quietly,
like glass cracking under weight
that had already fractured once before.
So tonight I am learning
how to give up without hatred,
how to loosen my grip
without tearing my own hands open,
how to let silence mean goodbye
when I still want it to mean pause.
I left a box with your name on it.
And I drove home,
with my heart aching in my chest
at the goodbye I never meant to send.
CaliStray 